Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
You Might Also Like
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Grew big
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*