Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
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Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
😜
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught