Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD