Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

My favorite female superhero

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.