[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
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Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
twitter is a journey
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”