Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

How to walk around a museum

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille