Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag