Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

God: you’re a capybara.

Capybara: yay!

God: you’re the largest rodent.

Capybara: double yay!

God: also you live in South America.

Capybara: so cool!

God: wow you’re in a great mood!

Capybara: just living my personal motto!

God: which is?

Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

They’re on their honeymoon

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”