Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*