Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

Yes 😂

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.