[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
#oldknees
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Mornin
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE