Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.