[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
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You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
inside you are two wolves
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.