Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade