Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.