Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.