Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend