[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
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Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
🌱🌱🌱
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Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.