Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

I don’t believe him.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

This is a whole mood;

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?