*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
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Anarchy
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.