*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
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the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.