*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
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Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time