*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
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me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Storm Tropical Storm
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.