Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream