Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

❄️