Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?