*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
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Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.