Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name