[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I need a headline like this
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I fixed it. For me
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.