[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
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Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?