*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
They got a point!
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.