*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*