*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
plant them where lol
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.