*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today