*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
