*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
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6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Great Canadian literature.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Twitter remains undefeated
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.