Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

he’ll never suspect a thing

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”