Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

How all things should be taught/explained.

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall