Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

What personal space?

My dog