*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.