*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
The government even made aliens boring
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
“you recording!?”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
#Caturday
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea