*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
*Seductively hides in the woods
only 11 steps left
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.