Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive