*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Breaking news:
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.