*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
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I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.