The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
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You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?
ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, “So, I was sitting there eating this salad…”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.