Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
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Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Sorry. Not sorry
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.