Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
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If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you