Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
is nasa ok
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?