Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
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6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Who says great literature is dead?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.