Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

🤣

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

Name another movie that mislead you?

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

I thought this was funny lol

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.