*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
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I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
want me to check your oil?
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
#Caturday
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
CUTE CAT‼︎
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG