*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
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I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick