Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

oh you wanna fight?!

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus