Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

Safety first

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*