Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

😁

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale