Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
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I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
not for long
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.