Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
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Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways