Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it