Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
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Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Yes my dude
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?