Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
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Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.