Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
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I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.