Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.