Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
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With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil