Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Important
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.