Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

😏😏😏

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note