Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond