Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
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Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
A short story of betrayal:
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.