Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.