[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Why are bridges so flammable.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.