Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#SaturdayBears

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

My current situation

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

be safe out there!

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

#dnd #ttrpg

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.