Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

Doug is just Canadian for dog

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.