Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe